The Internet Versus Me

just another day in bushwick

I like movies about the future. In the present, I am directionless, and sleepy all the time. Nothing much happens from day to day. So instead of looking for a job, or leaving my apartment, I watch movies about the future.

Because I cannot stand sunlight, it is important that I don’t leave my couch. Therefore, I frequently frequent the “watch instantly” section of Netflix. Specifically, I like to watch the science fiction section. It is full of very exciting things, and gives me good material for lying to my friends about how interesting my life is.

For example, recently my friend Ashley asked me what I did that day. I could have told her the truth: “I slept till noon and jerked off for two hours, then I ate cold french fries while looking at kitten pictures. Then I jerked off some more, and took a nap. Then I watched Zardoz.”

Who cares about that? So instead I acted like I had been Sean Connory’s character from Zardoz. I think Ashley believed me, because she was looking at her iphone and laughing, and going “mmhmm” occasionally.

So here is what I told her I did. Basically, I was riding on horses with my friends, wearing scary masks but not much else. Then this big stone head floated down out of the sky. I love that big stone head!

So the big stone head gives us all an inspirational speech. It says “The gun is good. The penis is bad. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life blah blah blah, but the gun shoots death, etc. Go forth… and kill!” And then a bunch of guns and ammo came spewing out of the stone head’s mouth.

the penis is bad

Anyway, remember this is not actually happening to me. I’m actually just watching this on the TV. After this kind of ho-hum intro, stuff starts to get really weird, and confusing. Honestly, I still have no idea what happened, but in the end the good guys win. You can tell the good guys win, because everyone dies, pretty much. Typical Hollywood ending.

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Movies by Ricky