The Internet Versus Me

An Adorable Puppy.

Recently, Missourians took to the polls to decide whether or not to give up their freedoms. Fortunately, we will soon be paying fewer taxes, because no one will have a job. Take that, Obama!

While the voting machines were arbitrarily deciding winners and losers, they also determined the fates of puppies. Specifically, Missourians decided whether or not they wanted to keep on producing puppies in mills.

This surprised me, for a number of reasons. First off, I assumed that puppies were created the good old fashioned way. Boy dogs and girl dogs dancing, popping pills, drinking too much Georgi, and waking up going “where am I” without any recollection of what occurred. And then later on the girl dog goes to the doctor because she has a really bad stomach ache. Turns out their tummy aches because it’s full of puppies. Puppies come out, miracle of life, etc.

But no! Puppies are produced in “mills” apparently. I’m not really sure how this works, but apparently it involves puppies being stacked in small cages without access to medical care. Kind of like a housing project, except more adorable.

Anyway, even though it (barely) passed a statewide referendum, freedom-loving Republicans in the state legislature are trying to block its implementation. They are in an uproar! Why?

To put it plainly, Republicans love puppies. They love looking at them, so much so that seeing one or two puppies at a time is not enough. Your typical Republican thinks everyone should have the freedom to see literally hundreds of puppies in a single glance. It is probably in the constitution. Read the bill!

I should add a caveat to that. Republicans love puppies: looking at them, neglecting them, kicking them if they are in way. What they do not care about, particularly, are the emotions of puppies.

And why should they? Let’s face it: puppies are often at their adorablest when they are looking sad. For example:

Another adorable puppy

Besides which, where do these socialists backing the law intend on getting puppies in the future? Hmm? It is not like you can just find them on the street, wandering around, digging through trash, looking cold and lonely. No!

Only through mass customization and the modern industrial society are we able to produce puppies. There is no “puppy” in “socialism.” It is absolutely asinine that people expect to get puppies from a breeder w/ less than 50 breeding dogs. I mean you need that many to… Actually now that I think about it, that is an awful lot of pregnant dogs. Maybe there is something to this.

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Politics, Puppies by Derek