The Internet Versus Me

I am lonely. Desperately, desperately, lonely, with virtually no chance of talking to a girl, let alone touching or even/especially sleeping with one. It is hard for me to meet girls, since I never leave my apartment, and have no friends. I have tried ordering take out, with the hope that a girl will be the one to deliver me food. Unfortunately, the delivery person usually appears to be a man, even though they are also often short.

So it was to my great relief that I discovered this “online dating” phenomenon. It turns out that you can meet a girl from the comfort of your home computer. I had some difficulties setting up my profile, but they were difficulties I am used to (my keyboard is covered with old sauce and bits of food, so it is hard for me to type). Pretty soon, though, I was up and running.

First problem: Women are, from what I can tell, largely unattractive and uninteresting. Their uninterestingness is no more apparent then when they list their favorite books.

Who cares about your stuffy, old books? Are we going to talk about the boring book you read? It’s ok if you wrote this book. Now that’s pretty interesting! But I do not care about how great someone else’s book is. I am not talking to that person, and the more you talk about their book, the more I wish I was talking to them, instead of you.

Blah, blah, blah

I also do not care about how much you love eating, or what you love to eat. Do you know who else loves eating? Fucking everybody. Everyone loves eating. If they didn’t, they’d be dead.

Another problem is that girls want to date boring guys. I know you’re thinking, “but wait, Derek, you never leave your apartment except to buy canned octopus from the dollar store. If girls want boring guys, then they want you.” You are making the mistake of assuming a boring person has a boring life, and an exciting person has an exciting life. In fact, however, the boringest guys often have the most exciting-seeming lives.

See, these girls are under the mistaken impression that they want “passionate” guys. Not sexytime passion mind you: they are not looking for guys to be passionate about them. They want guys who are passionate about other stuff. They want guys who will not shut up about Darfur, or Scuba Diving, or their Twitter or whatever. They want guys who ignore their phone calls and cancel dinner plans because they are so passionate about their work.

If you were on a date with me, we could talk about tiny dogs in hot dog buns.

Another Problem: so called “Match Questions.” Some of these were fairly relevant I thought. Others less so:

In case you can’t see pictures, the question reads “Which is worse, starving children or abused animals?” I am not sure when this could become an issue for me and my date. Perhaps while walking from place to place, we are confronted with the chance to either feed a starving child or an abused animal? I think that if that happens then you’re probably not about to fall in love anyway. Obviously something has gone terribly, terribly wrong.

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Romance by Derek