Your cat wants to eat you
i can haz human flesh?
Recently, the movie “Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore” came out. Unbeknownst to many of you, this flick is a sequel of what is perhaps the greatest movie ever made. The original “Cats and Dogs,” aside from being hilarious, also contains some hard truths: cats are evil. Specifically, though not mentioned in the movie, cats are evil and they want to eat you.
Sure, they are ok with meow mix or whatever for now. But the big prize, the light at the end of the tunnel, the Stanley Cup of catdom is juicy, raw man-flesh. They will put up with your uncomfortable scratches and falsetto voices because they know, that in the end, they will eat your recently deceased meat.
Many philosophers have wondered what cats are doing when they’re purring. In fact, they are just going “mmm” in a loud and sustained fashion.
Just check out this quote from a, um, anonymous (but surely real and existent) forensic pathologist:
“Sometimes, when an individual living alone dies unexpectedly, several days may pass before anyone takes notice. Some of these individuals may own a dog or a cat, which will go unfed. In my experience, a dog may go for several days before finally resorting to eating the owner’s body. A cat, on the other hand, will only wait a day or two. Just goes to show you which is more loyal. So, the next time you’re falling asleep on the couch with the football game on, take a look at your cat. He’s not watching you because he’s enamored of you; he’s checking to see if your chest is still moving.”
or this from SignOnSanDiego.com (no doubt a reputable journalistic institution):
“A group of hungry cats began to eat their 86-year-old owner after she suffered an apparent stroke and couldn’t get up for nearly a week”
By “nearly a week” i assume, like a half-hour or something. Keep in mind that this woman wasn’t even dead yet! Honestly, I don’t know how people can sleep with these bloodthirsty “pets” stalking around.
Anyway, these two quotes close the case. Your cat wants to eat you. On the other hand, it is illegal to eat your cat, unless you live in Missouri. Fucking laws.
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